Non-Violent Parenting

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I've been thinking about this idea of non-violent parenting a lot lately. What exactly does it mean to be non-violent, as a parent or even as a person? Obviously, spanking is out. But where is the line? If we define violence as causing someone else pain, then what does that mean for us? How do we prevent ourselves from causing pain to our children or other family members; to other humans in our communities, or those without any ties to us; to non-human animals in our environments or across the globe from us; to the Earth herself?

And if we consider it violence to cause pain to any being - human or not - then what does that mean for our everyday lives? I guess what I'm really wondering is this: if we set ourselves the goal of causing no pain to anyone, anywhere, are we setting ourselves up for another kind of violence, namely violence towards ourselves? When I facilitate workshops and give talks to parents, usually moms, one thing always strikes me - how much pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect. When we talk about ways to be compassionate parents, or to lighten our load on the planet, the conversation gradually - inevitably - veers towards a kind of "True Confessions", where people feel compelled to share the ways in which they fail to achieve their ideals.

My goal is never to encourage people to beat themselves up for situations in which their behavior was not exactly what they would have liked it to be. We've all been there; no one is perfect. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20, but in the heat of a moment we do not always react well. What I always say is that even noticing that our reaction wasn't perfect after the fact is progress, and the more we notice that, the "better" we will do next time. If we continue to question ourselves, to try to live more in accordance with our most deeply held ideals, one day we'll find that we're reacting with more patience, or more kindness, or more compassion. It's a process.

That isn't a free pass for bad behavior, but it is permission to be as patient, kind and compassionate with ourselves as we'd like to be with everyone else. For true non-violence isn't just how we treat others, but also trying to minimize the "internal violence of spirit".

Big Vision Living

I was recently driving past a church in my neighborhood - you know, the kind that always has one of those snappy sayings on the bulletin board in the front. This week, it simply had the title of the weekend's sermon: "Big Vision Living". I'm not sure what that means in a Biblical context, but I thought that would be a great topic for a Humane Parenting talk. I wonder if it would be plagarism to use it?

When we talk about parents who are aiming to raise a humane child, we are talking about taking both the long view and the wide view of life. We are asking parents to consider things that may not affect the planet in our lifetimes, or in those of our children or even our grandchildren, such as global warming. We are also asking them to consider things that are happening outside the realm of their immediate experience - water shortages in Uzbekistan, child labor in Pakistan, enslaved prostitutes in Thiland, even factory farming on distant stretches of pasture land in Kansas. This is a tall order, to say the least.

It is difficult for parents, who are often wrapped up in the day-to-day goings on of our family lives, to practice Big Vision Living. It can seem impossible to keep tabs on all the issues that may be important to us, never mind researching all the options regarding such things as food and personal care products, clothing purchases, how our homes and transportation are powered, or the entertainment we choose for ourselves and our children. For those of us who are committed to living a humane lifestyle, it can often become frustrating and demoralizing as our friends, families, and perfect strangers feel obligated, or at least entitled, to criticize the alternative choices we make on behalf of our families.

At least in my experience as a childless person making choices outside the mainstream, I was often teased for the "strange" things I did, and though I may have been seen as an oddity, I was rarely met with open hostility (unless I chose to put myself in the line of fire). Once a child became involved, however, people began pulling no punches as they explained to us how our choices, which they once regarded as unusual and perhaps inconvenient, are now selfish, irresponsible and downright damaging to our children.

So, what is a conscientious parent to do? Most important is finding a group of like-minded people, parents if possible, who will understand, respect and support you in your right to make the choices that are right for you. For our family, joining our local chapter of the Holistic Moms Network has made the path much easier as we are surrounded by others who make non-traditional lifestyle choices that are perhaps different from ours, but who understand our desire to live an authentic life.

Secondly, you need not share your opinions and choices with everyone who asks. While it is important to be an ambassador for Big Vision Living, to live your values and be an example to the world of humane living, it is also important that we save our sanity. This sometimes requires us to take a break from constantly seeing ourselves as educators to the world and minding our own business and allowing others to mind theirs.

It is also helpful to try to see where our critics are coming from and to try to approach their position with compassion. People get very emotional when it comes to children. Sometimes when we look behind angry or critical words, what we find is a scared or regretful person who is really upset with themselves more than us.

Lastly, we need to stand our ground. Our decisions are ours alone to make, and we alone must live with the consequences of what we do or do not do. In the end, if me make a particular choice not in an effort to live our values, but only to avoid the criticism or arguments that will result from that choice, we lose some of ourselves in the process. We have to always remember that we are setting an example for our children: of courage, of integrity, of vision. That is more important than what other people think of the lives we live.

Big Vision Living means something different to everyone. People have different priorities and different perspectives. People who agree on what the issues are can also disagree on how exactly to recognize and act on those issues in an effort to live a humane life. All we can do is identify our values, examine the things that are important to us and how our behavior speaks to those things, and do the best we can for ourselves and our families.