Living My Eulogy?

Zoe Weil, co-founder and President of the Institute for Humane Education, recently came out with her new book, Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life. I've been following her posts on her blog and hope to get her out to my neck of the woods for a lecture during her East Coast tour. I haven't read the book yet, but the idea is that she outlines seven principles that help us to lead a more compassionate life. The first one is Live Your Epitaph.

I've been thinking about that one from the perspective of a parent. Of course, I hope that my legacy will be as a person who made a difference, who was compassionate and respectful of other humans, other species, and the planet. But as much as that, or maybe more so, I have high hopes for what my kids will say about me when they're all grown up. I realize that kids have their own ideas, their own baggage, that colors their perceptions of their parents and how well we did our jobs. There is good and bad to everything - for example, I want to be home with my kids and have made professional sacrifices to do so because I think that having a stable, loving and devoted caregiver is important for young children. But in doing so have I sent my daughter the message that a woman's place is at home? Have I sent my son the message that men work and women keep house?

So, what is my goal after all? What do I want my kids to say about me when I'm gone? I don't know, but I think it's something like this:

"She was an active, motivated and intelligent women who had many interests and tirelessly worked to make the world a better place. But even when she was busy doing all these things, we always knew we were the most important things in her life, and her true motivation for everything she did. No matter how busy she was, she always had time to kiss our boo-boos, talk to us about our feelings, and sit with us to watch the sun rise."

More About TV?

Okay, give me a break - I've been stuck in the house with two sick kids for the better part of two weeks. TWO WEEKS! There isn't much else to do besides watch TV.

Last week, when I was suffering the throes of the nasty virus that is working it's way around our family, I couldn't sleep. There wasn't much on so I flipped to the Current network (co-founded by former Vice President Al Gore) to see the Target Women Super Special with Sarah Haskins.

Now THIS is television!

The premise of the show (or the segment she does on infoMania, of which this particular show was a compilation) is that she spoofs advertising aimed at women a-la AdBusters. Segments include Target Women: Chocolate, Online Dating, Diets, Jewelry, Cars, Disney, and more. You can watch them on their website - it is laugh out loud funny. Check it out.

Okay, so now that the TV thing is out there....

One of my favorite children's television shows is Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child, on HBO Family. I LOVE the "Rip Van Winkle" episode (a shout out to my Fairy God Mentor, Valerie!). It's a show about modern/multicultural spins on classic fairy tales, narrated by Robert Guillome.

The other morning, I saw that they were going to be airing the "Three Little Pigs" episode, which was supposed to be a feminist twist on the well-known story. I was looking forward to it.

Egad, was I ever surprised! The premise of the story is that three pigs were sent to Camp Piggywood to get fat and dirty, because that's how pigs are supposed to be, after all.

Okay. I get that it was supposed to be a spoof on camps where women go to get thin and massaged. Women don't need to be a size 2 or wear expensive perfume to be attractive and worthwhile, and they don't need beautiful jewels, and they don't need to eat to feel good about themselves.

I don't know, but something about the idea of comparing weight-conscious women to pigs seemed distasteful, to both the pigs and the women. First of all, pigs aren't filthy and they're not really fat. On the other hand, the irony of comparing women to pigs is likely to be well over the heads of most children, given the common pejorative use of the term in the vernacular.

I am sure the Women as Meat subtext was either explicitly intended or at least considered. The image-obsessed, gullible pig-women in the story who were waiting to be devoured by the slick and wily Wolf(gang).....part of me sees some animal rights subtext there, and part of me has this visceral reaction to the idea that even if this were the case, that there was a pro-pig message somewhere, few people watching were likely to catch it. I found myself thinking about a talk I saw some years ago by Carol Adams (author of The Sexual Politics of Meat) and wondering what her reaction would have been if she had been sitting in my living room.

Maybe I'm overthinking the whole thing, but really, that's what I like about this show. It gives me the chance to think about children's television. I think that's kind of the point. In the end, I'm not really sure why I had such a negative reaction to this particular plot line, and I will concede that I didn't even watch the resolution because I found it so bothersome.

Confessions of a TV-Addicted Mom

Okay, I'm not exactly TV-addicted. I am not like my friends who post on Facebook about their plans to watch Lost or 24 or Grey's Anatomy or whatever. Truth is, I used to be, but these days I can't recall the last time I watched something that wasn't the Weather Channel. I am rarely awake much past 8 pm anyway, and if I am up that late I am most certainly not sacrificing precious seconds of sleep to watch some sitcom.

Here's what I am addicted to: my daughter being addicted to TV. She doesn't go to school, and my husband and I both work from home during the day. In addition to work, I also write, blog, lead/co-lead two parent support groups, and am working on my M.Ed. We do have an amazing babysitter, but she only comes a few hours a week. That leaves the rest of the time where we need to squeeze in a lot of work in small pockets of time, which are often procured by flipping on the tube to keep Bess quiet for a little while.

Most days, I do a good job of just using to fill a couple of hours - an hour in the morning so I can get up and showered and dressed, get breakfast made and check my email, and an hour at night so I can get dinner made and get my people washed and put away for the night. Some days, the hour in the morning morphs into two (or three...) as I get involved in something and lose track of the time. On rare occasions, like this week when she was nursing a nasty cold, I let her veg in front of the TV all day, if she wants.

I justify this to myself by saying that it could be worse - at least I try to keep it to PBS and Noggin (and an occasional DVD), and at least she is home with me doing somewhat stimulating things most of the time. That, and she rarely sits in front of the TV staring blankly - she usually uses stories and characters as jump-off points for pretend play, and is constantly coming in and asking me to help her put on a cape/dress/crown/hat/whatever so she can act out whatever plot she's interested in at the moment.

I realize, however, that there are many downsides to this nasty habit. I recognize how she often seems overstimulated and unable to concentrate (more so than normal) after too much TV. I also am aware that actual pretend play would be preferable to pretend play that is actually an imitation of something she saw on-screen. I don't like the attachment she has formed to some licensed characters (though the ones she likes aren't the worst ones around - there I go, justifying myself again!). I am acutely aware that no matter how carefully I screen the shows she watches, they are likely to contain lessons that I would prefer she not learn. Last - and FAR from least - it is nearly impossible to allow Bess to watch TV while keeping her nine-month-old brother away from it.

So, what's a mother to do? The research I've been doing on the topic for my thesis (ILP) is only serving to increase my neuroticism and indecision. I know plenty of people who are happily TV-free and others who use TV in moderation, though not too many who have the 24/7 TV that I recall from my own youth. I guess there are pros and cons on either side. In the end, I have an "All Things in Moderation" attitude about it. I try to watch with her sometimes and talk about what's going on, and I hope that I am giving her some media literacy tools that the ZTV (that's Zero TV) crowd may lack. I do not underestimate the value of my own sanity, which is maintained in part due to her viewing hours. And maybe one day I'll be watching a Bess-made documentary at Sundance.

All Kinds of Families

When Bess was very young, I used to take her to Mother Goose story time at the local public library. It was fun, and a good chance to get out of the house and socialize (commiserate?) a bit with other moms.

But there was one thing that irked me. Whenever we would read stories about families, which was often, the families we read about were traditional - Mom, Dad, Baby, and maybe another child or two. I am confident that most of the children there had families that looked like that, but maybe some did not. Were their families broken - somehow less than a "real" family? And even if their own families looked like that, was it appropriate to give them the impression that all families do, or should, look like theirs? What about single-parent families, families with two moms or two dads, or with just a grandparent or aunt, or an older sibling, or multiracial through a birth or adoption....the possibilities are endless, but the portrayals were narrow.

This is why I really like The Family book by Todd Parr. He writes about all different kinds of families - those that are the same color or different colors, those that include stepparents or step siblings, those that are built through adoption, those that include two moms or dads or only one parent. This book is a great addition to any story time about families, and to the personal library of anyone with young children.

What to say?

I have a problem.

I am an extraordinarily non-confrontational person. I cringe in the face of conflict. I just plain do not like it. However, I realize there are times when it is advisable, even necessary, to speak up - for myself, my children, or, in this case, against racism.

We were at a party the other night, and of course the conversation meandered to the President, as it often does these days.

As an aside, I find it odd that people who thought Barack Obama was "too black" to vote for him now consider him "too white" to rightfully identify himself as African-American.

Anywayyyy....the other guests were discussing the press coverage of the inauguration, and the fact that there were few white people shown on most of the network news shows.

"Were there any white people there at all?"

"Yes - they were called Security."

Now, I also noticed that there weren't too many white people showing up on TV. I knew they were there - a number of my (white) friends and family attended, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones. But I also recognize that this was a historic moment for African-Americans, many of whom lived in a time when they couldn't go to certain schools, drink from certain fountains, or sit in certain seats on a bus. They still suffer a great deal of discrimination, though it may not (or it may) be as blatant. They were, understandably, celebrating the ascent of a black man to the most powerful office in the world. People were emotional. It was newsworthy.

I hate that my kids saw me sit in a room where I heard someone said something like that and I did not respond. But honestly, I didn't know what to say. I've come to a place in my life where I recognize that most people who think that way often don't see anything wrong with it, as if it never even occurred to them that other people might have a different way of seeing it. Once I was in a cab and the driver told me that "the black people whose families were brought over as slaves were lucky - otherwise they'd still be over there living in huts and starving." If you are willing to put that out there to a complete stranger, and one who you hope will be giving you a tip in the near future, then you must think this is obvious and indisputable, like saying "we're taking the back way to the airport today".

So if I do say something, it is purely for my own and my children's benefit. Or maybe not....the more I make other people uncomfortable about saying things like that, then the more they may not say them. The less they get said, the less accepted they'll be. Maybe instead of coming at the words through changing people's thoughts, I can start to change their thoughts by forcing them to change their words. Maybe...at any rate, I'll have to figure out a comeback, because I'm sure I haven't heard the last of this.

Personally, I like Barack Obama for a lot of reasons. I recognize the historic significance of a man of his background being elected, but that's not why I like him. I think he is a peacemaker, and will make every effort to bring people together to make real change. This is a good problem to have, I think.

Reverence-Building in a Busy World

The other morning, my family was getting ready to check out a potential preschool for Bess for next year. I am ambivalent about the idea of sending her to school - on the one hand, I think that there are a lot of positives to be gained (not the least of which would be a little quiet time for Mommy), but on the other hand, I love the idea of keeping her home and offering her a varied, individualized learning experience.

We were getting ready in the morning, having breakfast, getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth. Bess sat on the couch, looked out the window, and called me over. "Look at the sunset, Mommy!" she said. It was an amazing scene, with the orange of the rising sun reflecting off the icy driveway and the leaf-less trees. "Let's sit and watch it together!"

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't. We had things to do, appointments to keep. I weighed the cost of letting the moment slip away against the obligation to honor other people's time once I've made an appointment to be somewhere. My ambivalence about school deepened.

How, I wondered, in a world where we are so burdened with obligations and time constraints, can we possibly cultivate reverence in our children? When all our days are filled with scheduled events and "have to be's", where do we fit in the moments to sit on the couch and watch the sun rise? Almost by definition, these reverence-building moments cannot be scheduled. They are simply moments of bliss and discovery, when we are struck by a beautiful sight, an interesting object, a fragrant flower or a captivating bird song and take the time to focus our full attention on the experience of the now. But the opportunities for this are rare when we are always focused on the later, as in where we have to go and do next.

I still don't have the answer. Mostly I lean towards home schooling, though this weekend when Bess seemed to have taken a solemn vow of non-cooperation all thoughts of keeping her home day in and day out were far from my mind. But either way, I still wonder how to find - well, MAKE, really - the moments we need to develop love.